Introducing Quantum Vinegar
The all new AI from PickleTech Unlimited Ltd.
Would you like to generate an approximation of art, without the need for troublesome artists? Do you want to build a website or an app, without the need for troublesome programmers? Are you tired of using your own brain for literally anything? Thanks to large language models, you don’t have to worry about any of that nonsense. With just a laptop (and also trillions of dollars of infrastructure, and more power than it takes to send a fleet of DeLoreans to 1955) you can achieve your dreams! Be an author, without all the hassle of actually writing anything! Be a musician without any musical knowledge, skill, or talent! You can replace your therapist, your girlfriend, your teacher, your doctor, the kid toiling away in the McDonald’s drive-through, anyone! Human beings are now obsolete. The sky’s the limit!
But here at PickleTech Unlimited Ltd., even the sky is too constricting. Human life still seems to hold some value among the general population, which creates a lot of economic inefficiencies. That’s why we’re launching Quantum Vinegar, the new pinnacle of AI technology. Quantum Vinegar takes all of the useful features of existing LLMs and dissolves the inefficiencies at the quantum level, leaving nothing but pure, premium-quality, grade-A hype fuel.
No, Quantum Vinegar won’t generate the next Great American Novel or cure cancer. In fact it doesn’t generate content at all. We leave the slop farming and hopeium to the old, legacy models. Quantum Vinegar sticks to the essential services that modern businesses and governments really need. Here are just a few things QV can do for you!
The Plagiarizer
While Quantum Vinegar doesn’t generate content, it can still provide you with all the intellectual property you need. How does it do this? Where other models utilize highly sophisticated algorithms to remix existing IP into pseudo-original work, Quantum Vinegar utilizes a much more efficient technology we call CPFR (copy, paste, find, replace). With this method, QV simply copies popular works, then changes the title of the work, along with the names of characters, settings, etc. Instead of the typical slop, you get quality, battle-tested content. Does this run afoul of copyright laws? Probably. But it is highly efficient! If you do it on a large enough scale, plagiarism becomes innovation, and innovation means regulations don’t apply. Uber and other startups have employed a similar strategy to spectacular effect. Besides, your high-priced team of lawyers and lobbyists need something to keep them busy. At least until our AI can replace them.
Slavery 3.0
Ask any corporate executive to name the biggest drain on profits, and they will all give the same answer: wages. Ever since the wokes of the 1860s managed to abolish chattel slavery, business owners have lived under the heavy burden of wage slavery. This system is cumbersome and onerous, requiring business owners to actually compensate people for their labor. To keep wages at a minimum the ownership class has to employ a byzantine Rube Goldberg machine of collusion, political bribery, and media propaganda. That’s a lot of work!
The roadmap for Quantum Vinegar ends at the creation of a new, entirely digital, pool of slave labor. But there are several miles of bad road between us and that destination. Luckily, QV has the tools you need to make the trip a lot smoother. Quantum Vinegar offers advanced collusion technology to fix prices for everything from housing to groceries. This has also proven quite effective in lowering wages! As our data collection operations expand, we predict that within the next 10 years, business owners will be able to adjust every individual price to the exact maximum a given consumer will pay, while also ensuring wages stay at the exact minimum an employee will accept. In the future, we will be able to ensure that not a single cent of capital will go to waste inside the pocket of a worker.
And when you want to sack a few thousand of those workers to juice your stock price by a few pennies, you can lean on our powerful culpability deflecting technology. Simply have your PR department issue a press release blaming your job cuts on AI, and no one can hold you responsible. It wasn’t you, it was the one-armed AI! Finally, for those few tasks our LLM can’t handle yet, we have an army of exploited workers in “developing nations” ready to play the ghost in the machine for pennies!
The Overlord
A perennial problem faced by oppressive empires through the ages has been fielding an effective secret police force to keep the malcontents in line. Modern technology has made this a lot easier. Thanks to the masses volunteering their private info to social media companies, and cameras on front porches, phones, tablets, wrist watches, sunglasses, laptops, televisions, vacuum cleaners, refrigerators, toaster ovens, electric toothbrushes, teddy bears, car dashboards, traffic lights, and the vests of law enforcement, all pumping live video feeds directly into the corporate cloud, data harvesters have been producing amazing bumper crops. The modern despot is drowning in data, and it isn’t possible to hire enough human beings to monitor it all. That’s where Quantum Vinegar comes in.
We make it easy to spin up as many AI agents as you need to turn all that data into actionable intel. Whether it’s a legitimate threat, like a bunch of racist camosexual morons planning to kidnap a governor, or simply people saying things you don’t like on the Internet, Quantum Vinegar can tell you who to arrest, who to kill, and who to disappear to a Salvadoran torture prison.
As an added benefit, we’ve also purchased every single hard drive, RAM chip, and GPU on the planet, making it much more expensive for average consumers to purchase their own devices, forcing lower-income people to rent their computing power from an oligarch instead. This will create even more opportunities for data collection, and even greater control!
Genocider Vinegar
The ultimate culmination of all of these features is our ultimate feature: Genocider Vinegar. Every tyrant needs an out-group to victimize. Whether it’s the Jews, the blacks, the gays, the immigrants, or even people with brown eyes, Quantum Vinegar can help you identify the undesirables with up to 60% accuracy! You can then send out our AI-powered drones and killer robot dogs to hunt down those bad hombres and slaughter them like the animals you’ve told everyone they are. The best part is, the culpability deflector can shield you from accountability! Don’t worry, the media will be happy to play along, especially if you also own them. There are no downsides!
Get started with Quantum Vinegar today!
Originally published on PickleGlitch.com